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to make her love me~ rascal flatts

Ive decided I want to see the following people in concert:

~Taylor Swift...(tears on my guitar)
~George Strait...(run)
~Rascal Flatts.....(what hurts the most)
~Carrie Underwood....(some hearts)
~Beverley Mitchell....(what am i doing here?)
~JoJo....(too little, too late...)
~and a few others that I cant think of right now. :-)

So....I had bloodwork drawn today. Apparently I have to make sure I have no health concerns....everything has been going downhill in my family for health issues. I work up a few days ago and decided to mention to my mom that I have discomfort in chest, I was asked to go to a doctor down here in TN....I do not like doctors...ugh....

I find out all results on the 11th. Then after I find the results out, I head on home for Jersey for about three weeks.

whoo whooo :-)

I am just asking for everyone to keep me in their thoughts and prayers...I havent said everything on here, not everyting is meant to be said and scare people...but I still would like to know I have people who care about me...its a nice thought.

I have a week left, and then my first graduate semester is over with. Thank Goodness.... :-)

So I have a thing for being attracted to the wrong men...haha......For one guy, I would probably have to die for him to notice me more than in a friend manner. The other guy, well he has a girlfriend, basically told me he liked me, and I am not having anything go one while he has a girlfriend. Its wrong of him for telling me...I hate thinking that I am on somebodys mind when they have someone else!!! I am glad he is leaving the program at school though, he got a job at the bristol raceway....so I dont have to deal with that crap...men are never going to be different. my expectations of finding the perfect guy is starting to diminish. I dont want to settle.....I want more out of life than that.....


night people.


Alright have a good night people...



Okay...I have slacked off...I know

My bad about keeping up with my livejournal...but its not like many people read this anyway...well those on my friend list do, but I doubt anyone on the outside does...its not like its juicy information anything...:-)

Okay, I have been pounding my head against books for school lately. Literally and figuratively. I hate the whole concept of graduate school...especially when the MA I was going for isnt being offered anymore. How frustrating is that? To go down to TN for a MA in broadcasting and lo and behold they only have a speech MA now....interesting....Lets try and screw Danielle, why not? Its not like its happening on a yearly basis to her or anything...haha!!!

Lit reviews are the reason why man should just dive into a hole and not come out for at least a year. Whats the point? I am not doing research when I am done with an MA, dont plan on, its the most boring thing in the world, and I would rather stick a sock in my mouth...;-/

Recently, my cousin moved in with me...Its a nice change to have a new face in the apartment. It kinda gets depressing down here without anyone. But believe me when I say its nice to be on my own....catch my drift? But she comes and goes because she is a pharmacist and I am here most of the time, pulling my hair out because I do not understand the readings or how the hell to write something...welcome to grad level work people.

I have wished to change many things a thousand times over, but I would take it all back if I could go back in time and decide against going to graduate school....worst decision of my life.....and to think if I stay in the program I have a year and a half left.....ugh....yea I am sooooo freaking happy about that.

Alright, enough complaining. Lets see...think positively Danielle.

My nephew turns 1 year old this month....whooo whoo.....
It is someone elses birthday this month as well, but I rarely talk to him, but just in case: Hey Grillo, its me wishing you a damn happy birthday!!! (Like he even reads my entries...haha)
Lets see.....I have 5 weeks until the semester is over...:-)

Alright have to go back to my research paper...Ill write more later.

me, him, amongst the stars

lazy days
lonely nights
looking for a lonely star
who'd keep me company

looking at the widespread sky
being me a lonely soul
gazing at the moon so bright
making wishes `pon a star

a blow of breeze
to animate
the freezing scene

so the strings of white gold ribbons
seem to tease the lonely moon
because it is standing still
and they are free to move

"twinkle twinkle little star . . . "
I used to sing when I was young
now I've grown but still today
" . . . how I wonder what you are"

lying down upon the meadows
dream of flying up so high
reach the stars, sit on the moon
dancing ballet with the clouds

reaching my hand up into the nights air
pinching at the slightest source of light
do i have it within my grasp?
no, its still in the black sky, and not within my palm

how many more nights do i need to gaze
up into this blissful sky of tiny rays
before i have someone to call my own?

how many hours will it be before i know
that a love has come to whisk me away in
a carriage ride across the stars?

do i wish i may, wish i might
for i dont want to cry
if i dont get this wish tonight

God I know your up above
send me an angel to guide my way
have the stars lead me to my love

clouds move in as I twirl my hands in the sky
i write my name in the clouds and make a circle around it
Guide him to me, let him know he has my heart

the circle remains as my name fades
circles go on forever and hearts
are made to be broken

stars form within the circle
then the circle drawn begins to fade
stars are left mixed in the clouds

my hands still twiriling in the sky
slowly stop and i close my eyes
gradually i drift into dreams

me, the stars, and him
dancing with me, holding me close
gliding along amongst the clouds and stars

silent tears

A thunderous silence
breaks through my thoughts.
What was once many great ideas
is now a triumph, lost.

Baffling words tumble through my mind.
Reflections of darkness hover.
A disturbing peacefulness beckons to me,
and inside myself, I take cover.

What would it be like to stay there forever?
To be lost in all my cares?
From the inside, looking out -
I cry silent tears.

Rough Night

I am having a bad night.

I wish I had my family here tonight. I really could use a pep-talk from diana, or rosy, or my brother. Anyone that made me feel better about myself right now. I am actually crying as I type this because I feel so damn alone right now. Yeah, me, alone, back to where I was freaking two years ago. Except, I am crying now over thinking I am not good enough for graduate school, not crying over a guy who doesnt want me. When does all this crap end? When will I feel like I am where I belong? Tell me that much.

I really could use a stupid hug right now too. But no, I am not getting any of that. It sucks also, because NO ONE wants to come visit me. Blah blah blah. I dont want to hear it, its so frustrating. I would make all the effort to go visit my friends, if they moved away. I am just pitying my self right now.

I understand if you work, and I understand if theres no time. But seriously, I feel like crap, because NO ONE calls me...Haha....you really know who your friends are when they dont bother calling you, after you move.....Dont get mad at me if you read this, its just a matter of me pitying myself...blah blah blah...

i am downright an idiot for thinking i had plenty of people who care about me...haha....I know everyone on here cares about me, and I appreciate it, but its not the same thing that I am talking about.....I am wishing I was the guy in bubble boy...at least people visited him...haha....

Aug. 16th, 2006

well i am leaving for tn on tuesday...whoo whoo....i am officially nervous and looking forward to getting out of new jersey.

everything here reminds me of my ex. i cant get away from it. it really really irks me that i still think about him as much as i do. you think that i am an idiot for thinking about him as much as i do, and i even call myself an idiot, but literally theres not many days that pass that i dont think about him....songs remind me of him too...ugh

yea so get this, i was in tn this past week for orientation and while i was in the vitamin shop, a song came on the radio, and it was not just a normal song, it was a song that got us back together one time. i swear even if i leave the damn state i will still have stuff that pop up that bring him to mind.

but at least leaving the state will "have our places" no longer nagging at me. like the damn soccer field behind the high school, or the damn alumni field where we had picnics, or schooleyes mt park where we walked across the bridge over the lake. theres sooo many places that i can say that i was with him, its nice to leave it behind. granted you cant run away from your problems, but i still say you can bury them so deep that they dont exist anymore. and if i dont come back to this area for a long time it might help me deal with it more.

i hope hes happy with his new life....his new wife. i want the best for him despite all of our hard times, he still is a good guy, and deserves to have a enriched life of love and all that goes with it. i hope he always counts his blessings and remembers to treat her well and doesnt neglect or take advantage of her.

i dont know if want to get remarried either. lol. writing that seems to make me smile. but its the truth. it is true where dating is pefect bliss and then when you get married the status of relationship slowly drifts away from who the person you fell in love with. i dont wnat to get hurt so much again that i freaking have to get divorced again. meaning that if i have to leave the relationship theres no string attached and no changing of last name again.

no matter what i am keeping my last name if i ever get remarried, its staying that way no matter what. granted i doubt i would want to get married again. its just a disappointment i guess. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with my ex, and he chose otherwise. i wanted to be with him always and until the day i died, and it didnt happen that way, and overall it just hurts and makes it be a disappointment more than anything. especially where there at one time was so much love and now there is just emptiness...a hollow feeling that just echoes pain and tears.....sounds so sad yea i know and i am not sure why i am writing this except that its like two years since my ex and i ended.....so i apologize for the long blogging on here it just helps me vent my emotions.

i have an ache inside of me that just wont go away and its not an normal ache. its an ache of wanting to be loved again, and having this feeling like i am not good enough for someone to love me. it sounds corny but i still feel like i am damaged goods and it seems like it resonates off of me and i feel shaky knowing that i am only 23 and i will have many oppurtunities to be with another man, but in my heart i feel like i am only meant for one and that one no longer is attainable. crazy but true i feel defeated and like no one will want me because i have so much emotional baggage...haha.....

wow i am totally whining now. i am going to end this, and i hope i didnt make anyone sad about what i wrote. its just the thoughts that going through my mind at this moment in time.

how come life cant be like a movie? where the man realizes all his faults and comes running back crying in front of the girls friends and gives the girl his heart and expresses his devotion and holds on tight to the girl and never lets go? and then the movie ends with the girl holding flowers and smiling because she realizes that true love doesnt have an ending. gaga me......haha....

well goodnight.
take care everyone.

tiempo es mi mejor amigo

hmmm its midnight now.

i havent written in a long time. my bad people. it just sometimes gets busy in my world and a journal entry does not happen.

just got back from florida. good times. i saw my aunt and my nana, and i got a kickass sweet amount of money for graduation between the two of them. of course half goes to my sister for the money i owe her for costa rica.

i also saw my ex in laws and i spent time there as well....that family is awesome i love them all so much.

hmmm i leave for tennessee soon roughly 3 weeks and i cant wait to just be in a new place with a fresh start. i am so looking forward to it all.

okay i just felt like updating a bit. i am now going to bed because i am mad tired and can barely keep my eyes open.

hmmm...oh yea yesterday since its technically after midnight, i would have been married five years....can you believe that? crazy right? i guess time flies by quickly when your not crying over crap that has happened. surprisingly i didnt think about it at all until just now.....great improvement from last year when i would of been crying and crap.

anyway........yea goodnight.

so i am a klutz...haha

So its victorian day in Hackettstown, so my sister decided for me to go out of her office and grab some hot dogs for us to eat as lunch. On my walk back, I tripped, wearing heels and all, and flew forward and my ankle gladly accepted the damn pavement to catch my fall. My ankle has been profusely bleeding the past hour and its stinging even though I put damn anti-septic crap on it....Ouchies....If I didnt go for the damn soda as I tripped I wouldnt of fallen. I am a complete klutz but i bet everyone knew this already....hah.....

Its just great because it looks like its going to scar after it does heal because its on the crack of my ankle..haha....great. I leave for costa rica tomorrow too, so the damn ocean will sting it and the sun will aggrevate it i believe anyway double ouchies again.

I got assigned my tuitionship position....DRUM ROLL PLEASE. I will be teaching an online public speaking class.....cool huh? I will grade in person presentations, as well as taped presentations, and on occasion papers on public speaking....again cool....Prof Lenar...hhaha....funny as hell to hear that......:-) I get to determine if people pass or fail.....isnt that awesome? sweet deal in my opinion. :-)

My ankle is sooo aching....triple ouchies.....;-(

So I am excited about costa rica. I hope everyone misses me while I am away...:-)

hmmmm......hope everyone is having a better freaking day then me....

poem its called drifting

I sometimes find I'm drifting
Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I'm truly
Worth what I've been blessed.

I search through days that have been hard,
To try to understand,
The many trials that I have known,
The life that I have had.

You see me in my daily grind,
So confident and strong;
Yet when I am alone, I question
Just where I belong.

I often try too hard I find,
To analyze and guess,
To scrutinize, investigate
My life I will confess.

For somewhere deeper, there must be
Some meaning to this life,
Some way to make a difference,
Give a reason for this strife.

Is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found?
A greater purpose waiting
If I care to hang around?

It teases and it taunts me,
Always slightly out of sight;
A hazy vision out of reach,
Where darkness hides the light.

I struggle to bring clarity
To what awaits me there,
And yet this weak illusion
Always fades before my stare.

It seems the harder that I try,
To focus through the haze,
Just serves to add more questions,
Through my endless, tired gaze.

Perhaps I'm trying just too hard,
To understand it all,
For can we ever truly know
Just what we have in store?

Each incident, each moment passed,
Just adds upon the next,
But in the end, will I find truth ...
Or will I be perplexed?

Perhaps I make it harder
Than it has to be sometimes,
But will my searching bring to me
My meaning over time?

Or will it leave me broken,
And confused as I feel now,
While questions bring no solitude,
To this, my wrinkled brow.

my birthday

so its 1204 am and so its officially my birthday....whoo whooo.....

im 23 and i am soooo loving my life.....i am so thankful for everyone that is a part of my life and i am thankful for just having another year to live the best way i can possibly do it.

keep the faith everyone....everyone is bound for some sort of shooting star....